THE IDLE AMERICAN
Commentary by Dr. Don Newbury

Persons claiming to have the same mental faculties and physical capabilities that they had a half-century ago probably fib about other things, too. Some formerly judged such jokers to be guilty of committing “terminological inexactitudes,” a term far kinder than “bald-faced liars!” 

Most readers  identify with old age and have heard the oft-told jokes about “what don’t hurt, don’t work,” as well as “I’m in good shape for the shape I’m in,” and then one that came along a few years ago about remaining “vertical and ventilating.” The list is growing, with entries drawing miscellaneous responses. Some are “yawners,” some are okay, and finally, a few who resort to off-color jokes deserve a good, soapy washing out of mouth!

Much merriment results from misunderstandings generated by faulty hearing. Further, there’s frustration about knowing when to laugh, as well as how heartily and how long.

Hearing marginally well, I’m beginning to understand why some of my fellow octogenarians strive to watch others’ facial features.

If they determine something is worth laughing about and unanimity is attained by a sea of “laughing faces,” the hard-of-hearing comfortably join in.

Perhaps not enough ink is given to “booboos” attributable to failing eyesight. I started out with visual problems, perhaps the result of measles 85 years ago at age three. Wearing spectacles since second grade opened my world. I remember showing them off to fellow students with “over the top” kind of joy, sometimes short-lived upon being called “four eyes.”

Still, we had a certain swagger, thanks to our eyeglasses. Few students wore them, and curiosity by others was exceeded only by their interest in examining “up close” the mouths of students wearing braces on their teeth. Almost none did, and they were almost always categorized as “nerds,” like it or not.

In the meantime, I have spent considerable time (though not enough) cleaning my spectacles, misplacing them or wondering where they were left at bedtime. Difficulty reading small print continually grows more difficult and squinting evermore common. ‘Tis true, ‘tis true,

Following is an incident which should have been filed “top secret.” I was at a matinee showing of The Great Awakening at our nearby Premiere Cinema, pausing in the lobby to clean my glasses. I happened to glance at titles of current attractions encased on the wall. One jumped out at me. The Devil Wears Pravda seemed a confusing title to me. I’ve given little thought to what the devil wears, but wondered why he would choose to wear a newspaper.

I know enough history to remember that Pravda has been regarded as the Communist Party’s primary newspaper, a distinction it has held for a century, and maybe more. With my mind continuing to wander (and taking wrong turns), it seemed likely that the old devil would choose Pravda if he adorns himself in anything. 

About that time, a theater manager walked past. I asked her if she could give me a quick run-down on this new movie, The Devil Wears Pravda. Her head cocked, she asked, “Do you mean The Devil Wears Prada ?” I stumbled, managing a soulful whistle, moved closer to the poster, put on my glasses, and sure enough, she had the title right. Of course she did!

She laughed, explaining that Prada is an international, high end fashion brand, something I may–or may not–have already known. 

Then, I meandered into the auditorium to see The Great Awakening, perhaps the most important and best movie of a lifetime. 

I kept my glasses on the entire time, wiping away tears along the way.

But wait! There’s more. On the way home–with eyeglasses on–I couldn’t believe the neon-blinking message that was attracting lines of motorists. 

It read: $——.09. (With my glasses on, I could read a small message at the bottom of the sign.) 

I laughed, understanding the come-on: “First three digits are subject to change”

Dr. and Mrs. Newbury live in the Metroplex. He is past president of Howard Payne University and Western Texas College. Email: newbury@speakerdoc.com. Phone: 817-692-5625l