By Jim Nichols

Every conversation does not need to be an argument. 

I observed two individuals yesterday in a discussion that went in an unnecessary direction. They apparently knew each other and ended up in the same place at the same time physically. Person A clearly asked Person B for an opinion on a topic. Person B’s response elicited disagreement from Person A and I sensed increasing discomfort in both B and A, as well as a tendency to engage in argumentation.

Why do we get drawn so quickly into adversary situations? 

Do we now live in an environment in which one must “win” in every conversation?

You may be familiar with the “zero sum” game. Simply presented, this states “if you are up, I am down” and vice versa. Every victory by you means a defeat for me. It is an automatic adoption of a comparison that leads logically to competition. When each of us falls into the trap, we are dissatisfied and unhappy. This is not a pleasant way of living. I suggest that it is also not God’s plan for communication and life in general.

Frankly, it is a manifestation of selfishness. It is also connected to a parallel trap into which we fall and that is dualistic thinking. The more that you and I dwell on “either/or” decision-making, the more frustrated we will become. Has it ever occurred to you how frequently you and I slip into a life of comparing things? We see a car or house and instantly compare them to our own cars and house. My students see the test grade of another student and immediately compare their own test grade. I hear about your exciting summer vacation plans and compare them to my meager plans. A better way of thinking would for me to be happy for your plans and to positively anticipate my own plans. We are not in a contest.

In Greek mythology Narcissus was captivated by love for his own image reflected in a pool of water. This obsession was so strong that he could not move away from the pool, stayed there, and finally died from longing. We might use the term “Narcissist” as a descriptor but must admit that each of us demonstrates some of the trait ourselves occasionally.

Dualistic thinking is reasonable when we are younger. We are taught to make “good choices” by evaluating the options and consequences. It is part of growing and maturing in safety and care.

As our years and life experiences accumulate, however, we realize that reality often does not involve just two choices. The seriousness of life shows us situations of darkness and light, good and bad, death and life. We realize that we must learn to live with contradiction and ambiguity. Dualistic thinking cannot deal well with subtlety, paradox, inconsistency, and mystery. 

For followers of God, this last item, mystery, is particularly crucial. As people of faith, we often walk a line between trust and doubt. This is not a new human situation; believers of every generation have struggled with this mixture. Frankly, I suspect God is not surprised that it presents problems for us.

Returning once again to the “zero sum” concept, a counterargument could be, “Do humans not live in a finite world in which scarcity forces us into this competition game?” A response is that for Christians the most obvious exception to this competition is God’s grace, the one thing that is unlimited. This is a fundamental aspect of the Christian faith. I am not in competition with you for God’s love. Christianity tells us that we do not participate in a “zero sum” game regarding God’s love. If we live only for the social payoffs of the world, we are destined for disappointments. That is not true with God’s blessings.

Jim Nichols is a retired Abilene Christian University biology professor and current hospital chaplain