By Danny Minton

Statistics confirm that the winter months have the most daily deaths, especially in December, January, and February. Along with this, these months also stir up emotions of sadness and loneliness because of past losses. Death and loss are two subjects we often avoid discussing but are an inevitable part of life. The loss of a loved one affects us in many different ways.

Sometimes, we feel all alone and lonely. I can remember growing up when I felt nobody liked me. The only friend I felt that I had was my friend Toby. I remember one instance where my mom and dad were on me about something; I don’t remember what, but I remember feeling low and lonely. I remember going outside and sitting on the back step after supper, dejected, feeling sorry for myself, and thinking, “Nobody liked me.” Then I saw my friend Toby. He came over and sat quietly beside me, knowing something was wrong. I told him, “You know, you’re the only one who really cares for me.” Toby looked at me momentarily, licked my face, wagged his tail, and laid his head on my leg.

I can still remember the morning I learned the news. My mom came into our bedroom as we were getting up to start another summer day of vacation. She broke the news to me that Toby had died during the night. Tears welled up in my eyes as I heard the news of my dear Cocker Spaniel. I remember going outside and seeing the grave in the backyard where my dad had already laid Toby. I stood over his grave, crying, scattering a handful of rose petals over the mound of dirt. It was my first encounter with death.

Death is one of those words that can bring an instant feeling of sorrow, depression, and despair. It’s a word that leaves an empty feeling in the pit of our stomach. It is the most feared part of life that we encounter. Billions of dollars are spent each year trying to fight off the enemy that will end our lives. Billions more are spent mourning the loss of someone who has met the fate we try so hard not to talk about and face. Yet, it is one part of life that we are all sure to encounter somewhere, someplace, and some time. It will be met in most cases with sadness and a broken heart, but it will be met.

We all dream of a life of happiness and good times together as a family. My wife and I adopted two boys to be a part of our home. Our youngest son, Chris, is a successful businessman. He is a great husband and father to his wife and our two granddaughters. We are proud of all he has accomplished. Amid our happiness, death made an entrance when our oldest son, Scottie, passed away ten years ago next month.

Code Blue. Those two words ring in my head like clashing symbols. When I visit the hospital and hear them, my mind immediately flashes back to February 6, 2014, a date in which, once again, I encountered death. Code Blue, Room 5 will forever be in the banks of my memory, the day our son died. We had taken him to the hospital for what we thought was a virus. Less than an hour later, he was gone, quickly and unexpectedly. As we prepared for his memorial, I sat down and wrote the words to his obituary.

I wrote about the joy we felt as we walked through the doors of Christian Homes of Abilene and met our firstborn son. We were thankful for the young woman who had put him up for adoption so he could have a better home. I wrote how he would grow to love music and Disney movies and laugh at scary movies. I wrote about when we first found out that he had cerebral palsy and would never fully develop mentally. He lived with us for forty years, although he never developed above a year to eighteen months old. He couldn’t walk or talk but was loved by everyone who met him. I concluded with the words, “On February 6, 2014, our angel ascended once again to be with the Father. On this earth, he could not talk or walk. Now he is freed from the body of this life and roams freely with the Father.”

Even though our son was disabled and we knew that he might not live a long life, death still came as a thief in the night and took him from us. We were not ready for him to go, but death often works that way, without warning, without notice, and in a seemingly uncaring way. In its wake, it leaves broken hearts strewn along his path.

Death affects us in many different ways with different emotions and feelings. It’s different for everyone, with each person having to deal with it in their own personal way. There may be anger at God or the person who died or maybe someone else, a doctor, a hospital, or someone who caused the death. There will be depression, a sense of loss, and a deep feeling of emptiness. There will be sorrow, mourning the loss, and wondering how we can keep going forward without the person we’ve lost. Within the sadness, there may be that glimmer of joy, knowing that someone is not suffering or hurting but still feeling the pain of their loss leaves behind.

There are a lot of books written on how to handle a loss. Many counselors offer advice on what to say to someone in the pain of loss. Some books give us the “steps” to grieving, and self-help books encourage us in our time of grief. The one thing we should realize is that “We are not alone.” Many out there understand what it’s like to lose someone you love. There are those whom you do not know who can feel your pain. Knowing others are going through the same thing we are going through can help us realize that we are not alone in our sorrow and that others are taking the same walk of life as we are every day. 

It’s also essential for those in contact with those suffering loss to understand what may be going on in the minds and lives of those amid the pain of loss. There are no quick fixes or cures. There are no magic words that can release people out of the grip of the hands of death. Everyone is different in handling the loss and the pain and moving forward. The best you can do is to walk with them as they take each step, trying to make it from day to day.

I wish I could say that the pain of loss will one day go away, but I can’t. There are days when the tears flow again or moments of sadness overtake us. People we love may not be physically present, but they remain alive in our hearts. One comfort we can hold on to is that Jesus knows how we feel and feels with and for us. In the Gospel According to John, we find the story of Jesus meeting Martha and Mary as he arrives at their home after their brother Lazarus dies. Within that encounter with the sisters, John pens the reactions of Jesus in two words, “Jesus wept.” He was weeping not because Lazarus had died but out of his feeling of love for those suffering the loss. Remember, it’s okay to cry, and when you do, Jesus cries with you.

Danny Minton is a former Elder and minister at Southern Hills Church of Christ