By Jim Nichols

The return address on the envelope read “National Funeral Directors Association” and it arrived at my home address in about 1983. It contained eight brief pamphlets concerning funerals including costs, related professional services, pre-arranging, what to say or not at a funeral, children at funerals — it was a veritable gold mine of information. The arrival of this packet began a strange series of events and growth on my part. One odd piece is that I clearly read this material and tucked the envelope away somewhere. I found the envelope again on July 7, 1991. I know this because I dated the envelope on the outside. I put it somewhere again and lost it until May 26, 2000. I lost it again and stumbled onto it on December 24, 2012. I just found it again for the fifth time two weeks ago. Same envelope — five different dates on it. I cannot explain what was going on except that I remembered that I had the material but did not know where.

This is the physical part of an emotional journey that I made; it may be a journey that you have made also.

When I was younger and was sure I knew everything, I was a critic of ceremonies. This started when I was a teenager and suspected that I would marry someday in the future. Weddings seemed fakey to me. Strange clothes, strange words, strange symbols. It seemed clearly a break from reality which was most important to me. Also, in this fakey category were graduation ceremonies, many religious events, and, especially, funerals. This latter had the additional feature of involving death, not something I particularly wanted to consider as a young man.

During my late teens and early twenties as my own wedding approached and I participated in graduation ceremonies, I also attended a few funerals. My general critical nature continued (I skipped one of my own commencement ceremonies, a regret now), but I was beginning to see other aspects of the ceremonial part of life.

As a young father, I found in the daily newspaper (remember those?) a coupon that could be clipped and mailed to the National Funeral Directors Association. I cut it out and sent it in. This packet arrived.

I do not recall what caused me to keep the material, but I must have been informed and moved sufficiently to believe I might want to refer to it again. I did not intend to lose it repeatedly, but that must have served to add to its impact on me through the now over forty years.

There is excellent material written on the topic of grief, but that is not the direct point of my thoughts here. I am wondering about what weddings, graduation ceremonies, and funerals have in common.

These are potentially public events that draw attendees bringing vastly different emotions and purposes of attending. The ceremonial nature of them creates a climate that is uniquely fitted to a particular set of words, music, impulses, and even clothing. Although there might be aspects of religious, regional, or national expectations, one understands that there is a personal nature to the ceremony that dwarfs general expectations of attendees. We do not really know what to expect for sure.

What I have learned is that a funeral creates a climate for mourning and validates that climate. Having moved from my critic stance to now one who “officiates” funerals at times, I have recognized that the themes of care, memory, loss, gratitude, and wonder permeate the thoughts of those present. They express their emotions in often unanticipated ways, ways that do not deserve critique from others.

Funerals are places to be present in a shared activity, although shared in diverse ways. Funerals should provide an opportunity to face our mortality in a safe place. They force us, if even for a few moments, to confront our interrelationships with others present or even absent.

Using what is antiquated language for today, John Donne’s poem of “No Man is An Island” comes close to being biblical. We are, in fact, all connected. A funeral ceremony is a human way to remind us.

Jim Nichols is a retired Abilene Christian University biology professor and current hospital chaplain