By Jim Nichols

There was a backyard conversation recently, a kind of wildlife fantasy. It was possible to eavesdrop thanks to modern technology.

Only a few people know that Amazon is now selling what can best be called a “wildlife language translator.” I bought one.

The instructions were not too clear as to whether the device was listening to actual language or was, instead, somehow reading the thoughts of the animals rather than actual audible language. Regardless, the contraption allowed me to see the animals and to tap into their “conversation” in some way. I admit it might all have been Artificial Intelligence (AI), but AI is apparently so spectacular and amazing that I am wondering if it were real. On the other hand, I may have just been asleep and dreamed the whole thing..

As I initially pointed the translator to the outside through the kitchen window, clearly visible was the hawk. My rudimentary identification skills suggested it was a Cooper’s Hawk. Perched on top of the wooden fence (these are called “privacy fences” in this area, a rather unfriendly and unneighborly term to me), it appeared to have short, broad wings and relatively long legs. Its feathers were steely gray on top with reddish bars on the underparts. The tail had dark thick bands.

The bird was facing the backyard and therefore the window from where I watched. I could see its face clearly. The moderate breeze was lifting some of the feathers enhancing its size. Sitting perfectly still, it appeared regal. “I am the king of this backyard.”

Wait! Did that hawk just think or say that? Is my language translator working? Did I just imagine that?

Suddenly, there was movement several feet to the hawk’s right. A squirrel appeared, also mounted on top of the “privacy fence.” As you know, squirrels do not walk slowly but jerk along with apparently no predictability. At times they even do somersaults. It was headed toward the hawk until it stopped suddenly. The squirrel took three more tentative steps toward the hawk and then backtracked two of the steps. The hawk seemed to ignore the squirrel, although my new translator indicated that the bird was not appreciating the company on top of the fence.

“What’s up?” said the squirrel.

There was no response.

“Good afternoon,” the squirrel tried again.

The hawk ignored the squirrel.

The squirrel said, “I don’t believe we have met. I must also say that I feel a bit like Little Red Riding Hood when I note that you certainly have big talons. You also have a curved beak and strong muscles under your feathers.”

The hawk broke its silence. “I haven’t read that story; I don’t read much.”

Gratified to finally get a response, the squirrel asked, “What do you do besides sit on the top of the fence and screw your head back and forth?”

“Your parents did not teach you much about hawks, did they?”

The squirrel replied that most of their family conversation concerned tricks to outsmart the yard birds who were eating the seed clearly designed for squirrels.

“Whatever,” said the hawk.

The squirrel continued to try to generate conversation. “Do you have a family? I mean, are there young hawks around somewhere?”

The hawk bordered on rude. “You are nosy aren’t you?”

“Just trying to be friendly. Do you see that man in the house? He is watching us through some binocular-like things.

“I don’t care.”

“What do you care about?”

“Lunch.”

“What do you eat?”

“Birds. Sometimes rats and squirrels.”

Somewhat alarmed, the squirrel replied, “How about détente between us?”

Humans are the only animals with facial musculature that allows us to make faces such as smiles or frowns. Nevertheless, my fancy translator detected a hawk sneer as it thought, “I don’t speak Spanish.”

The squirrel corrected the thought: “That was French, not Spanish.”

The hawk continued, “I don’t speak Spanish. I didn’t even watch Bad Bunny during the Super Bowl.”

With that, the hawk spread its wings and with only three contractions went from still to midflight and disappeared.

The last recording from the squirrel was, “Why couldn’t I run into some bird that was fun such as a roadrunner? Oh, look, the house owner is coming with more sunflower seeds!”

Jim Nichols is a retired Abilene Christian University biology professor and current hospital chaplain