By Nancy Patrick

I began thinking about this topic years ago as I ate lunch one day in Applebee’s in Waco. I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between a mother and teenage daughter at a nearby table. As they discussed an upcoming family event’s guest list, the girl expressed her hope that her dad, who was divorced from her mom, would attend the event.

The mother kindly reminded the girl that her father rarely wanted to attend such events. Mom pointed out the time Dad had failed to show up at a track meet and how disappointed their daughter was. She also referenced the dad’s dislike of gatherings because he didn’t share common interests with the family.

As I listened, I had to fight the urge to ask the mom why she felt the need to criticize her ex-husband. Surely a teenager would remember times her father had disappointed her without her mom’s reminders.

This mother’s behavior illustrates the concept of alienation of affection. Historically, the term referred to a common law tort in which a spouse accused a third party of causing damage to a marriage. This usually resulted from an adulterous affair that led to the divorce of the married couple.  

The defendant in such a lawsuit was usually the adulterous spouse’s lover; however, in some cases where other people such as therapists, ministers, or family members urged the offended party to leave the marriage, those people caused the alienation of the affections of one of the spouses.

As you might imagine, these types of lawsuits rarely occur in today’s culture that deems marriage less of a legal contract than it once did. Because of the difficulty of proving alienation of affection, most states have deleted it from their law books (Alienation Affection).

The idea of alienation of affection is not unique to marriage although it began in that context. We see examples of alienation of affection more often today in child custody matters than in marriages.

Divorce is a tragedy on many levels, but most sadly, it permanently affects the children when their parents divorce. Children need structure and routine to thrive. If they have lived in a two-parent family their entire lives, divorce shatters their sense of stability.

All of a sudden, they learn that Mom and Dad will no longer live in the same house even though both parents love their children. A divorce necessitates the legal separation of parental duties, including primary and secondary custody, child support, schools, extended family relationships, and loyalty.

Even when divorcing parents try to achieve an amicable divorce, amiability rarely occurs. It splits the family unit, often causing parents to feel competitive. The one with primary custody senses that he or she should have more authority than the other parent. This parent may feel the need to justify to the children the uprooting of their lives.

When this happens, one parent may become super critical of the other, pointing out all the flaws and weaknesses in the other parent in order to highlight his or her own attributes. Parents face this strong temptation because each one wants and needs the children’s love. 

When one parent openly criticizes the other, the children feel trapped in the middle. They love both parents but fear hurting them if they “choose” sides with either Mom or Dad. When this does happen, children struggle psychologically to please both parents.

This alienation of affection goes beyond the nuclear family’s scope as it affects the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Whereas holidays used to include family from both sides, now time must be divided and behavior adjusted to how a particular household views the two parents who have divorced.

Extended family has to learn what to say and not say around the children. No one wants the children to suffer needlessly, so relationships become tense and awkward and unnatural. Everyone feels the tension, but no one feels free to address it, so people begin “acting” rather than living authentically.     

The manipulative aspect of alienation of affection reaches beyond family boundaries to all sorts of relationships. Any teenager who uses social media can tell you the power “influencers” have on their readers. These influencers have considerable persuasive sway  over their followers, especially young people. 

This power can hurt reputations by starting or passing on rumors about people. The capability to influence how people feel about other people should be taken seriously. Because of social media’s anonymity, contributors shed their filters and write cruel or even untrue things about others.

Spiritual people should consider their ability to influence as a gift to bless and uplift others rather than a tool to hurt or destroy. Most religions endorse kindness, love, forgiveness, and generosity. These qualities should not alienate affection but rather encourage affection of others. 

Nancy Patrick is a retired teacher who lives in Abilene and enjoys writing